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Kathy D. Infeld Blog

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR

When I was five years old I was competing in a Labor Day relay race and my father was cheering me on. Half way through the race I fell down and skinned my knee. Mostly my pride was skinned. I started to cry and my father yanked me up and told me to finish anyway. I felt hurt, not listened too and not comforted. I shelved the memory away but not the judgment that my father doesn’t listen to me. I added this incident up with all the other interactions that looked like not being heard by my Dad along the years.

Well not that long ago when I casually told a friend about this experience, She said something astounding to me. She wondered if my father had ever fell down in his life and didn’t get up and that that might be why he didn’t want that to happen to me. What a flip in my perception occurred. I could feel his love and support and the ease of things. And I felt love right back. Things are not always as they appear.

Well this applies to all relationships and especially to the couples I work with. Check out what is really happening with your partner. A perception and judgment on our part can be way off. If we don’t communicate and clear experiences up, we can go years misunderstanding. Love flows through communication.

Take an inventory of what interactions you haven’t cleared up, aren’t sure about, have judged, or stuffed down. Talk with your spouse, partner, friend. Have the kind of relationship that brings you close, gives joy and leaves you appreciating the love.

IF ONE MORE PERSON SAYS TO ME

Yesterday for the thousandth time (or at least it seems like a thousand) a client said “ I wish that we had seen you five years, one year or whatever ago.” He was talking about couples therapy for him and his ex-wife. Now his children are bearing the brunt of the break up of their family. Couples therapy with the right therapist really works. We take computer classes, we study mathematics, art, architecture, you name it, but we don’t take the time and money to learn how to have our precious marriages work?

Start by reading my book. I put everything I know into it. It can be a beginning for you and your spouse. What I know for sure is that marriages don’t just work. They take effort, growth, knowledge and some good wisdom to stay growing, joyful and worthwhile. I recently heard author, Marty Klein presenting about his book, “Sexual Intelligence”. His book is excellent. Several of John Gottman’s books on marriage are terrific tools too. Get reading.

Start today. Hug your spouse, tell them that you love them and that you want to learn how to love them even better. Read all that you can get your hands on about having a successful marriage and see a good couples therapist if you need one before it’s too late. Don’t be that next person who says to me, ”if only”.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

A super storm, a hundred year storm, the Frankenstorm, Sandy, whatever you want to call it, It wasn’t supposed to happen.My kids were supposed to Trick or treat this week and there are no houses to trick or treat at. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

That’s what goes through the mind of someone in shock, not even aware of what the destruction of this storm really will mean. Who will pay the bills, how will we get to work, is there still a job where I last left it, is my kids school still standing or at least useable, is everyone I love still alive. It wasn’t supposed to happen.

When traumatic events, ”unexpected catastrophes” occur it is more than we can comprehend. How do we recover? How do we ever feel safe again? Will we be able to sleep at night? Will our children ever not fear leaving our side?

Yes this will happen with time, support, comfort, renewed environments or new housing altogether, but things will not be the same. Things have changed permanently. We can’t forget that something like this is possible. Even if we only saw this on TV , we know that it could be us next. So we either feel guilty it wasn’t us, or afraid of identifying with their loss. Sandy has traumatized us all to some extent. This force of nature cannot be denied. So what do we need? We need to return to stability and that can take time depending on what happened.

Those who lost loved ones, homes, transportation and memories will need psychological support. Everyone’s reaction can be different. Those who are proactive in getting their life back together may fare better. Those frozen with their anxieties will need outside psychological support. This is nothing to be shy about. They have felt overwhelmed by what life threw at them. Some will self medicate their anxiety with alcohol and drugs. This isn’t recommended as it will just cover up the trauma underneath. Real talks about the experience, feelings, actions, regrets etc are what makes the pain eventually go away. Most of all looking for any good that comes from this trial such as people helping their neighbor, fire and police and relief organizations giving their all for their fellow man and petty grievances and gossip melting in the face of real human concerns and needs.

The subject of trauma is larger than life and a testament to the capacity of the human spirit to heal.

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