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Kathy D. Infeld Blog


I hear this everywhere I go lately. A door in my work just closed for me and I had trouble letting it go. So I am feeling particularly sympathetic right now. With clients I see this often. A couple decide that they got together for all the wrong reasons, or that they are poorly matched. They wanted a partner so badly that they got hitched with the very next one that they found.

Parting is so painful. Really looking at our messages, red flags, options and timing is crucial. Of course we all learn from the missteps .but being clear and avoiding them ahead of time is most often less painful. Bottom line, we can learn either way.

Lately I have been seeing a lot of couples who are dating and looking at being committed. They are so wise to seek assistance in this journey. They didn’t teach relationship 101 in school and there is a lot to learn. We can learn it through mistakes or we can get a heads up on some wise things to do Read books, take workshops, see a counselor or relationship coach. I am happy to answer your emails about some resources that I would recommend. Good luck in your journey for love.



Many people think that you meet someone, are attracted to them and just make a life together. Loving someone involves so much more. It takes a willingness to be vulnerable ,let them know who you really are and asking the same of them.
Before you begin, you probably will size up whether you have enough in common, similar values, passion, excitement, drive and direction. Once you think that you have met your match, the next step is  getting to know each other. Who are each of you when you are happy, sad, mad, anxious, confident, playful, studious, serious, challenged, relaxes, loving, kind, or abrupt ? All kinds of situations will play out for you to discover who each other is inside. Sharing your wishes hopes and dreams, fears, strong qualities, weak qualities, love of family, friends, country, culture, religion, children, leisure, travel, career, financial style and of course… sex.
That said, ask yourself, “What am I willing to let them know?” Are you afraid of scaring them off? Everyone is you know. Everyone thinks that if my beloved knew everything about me, they might not still like me. Not so. No one is perfect and we all know that. So go ahead and share a little. Then ask for a little back. Always remember to let them be themselves. Then if you both see personality challenges to commitment, communication, conflict resolution, and cherishing , be sure to seek guidance from a counselor, knowledgeable friends, family, spiritual advisors, books, and workshops and anywhere else that you can think of.
I have seen many couples before they marry, and they have made a good choice for forming a wonderful marriage. They want their relationship to be worked out and strong before they say, “I do.”
I recently saw a special movie, “Ruby Sparkle”. At the end of the movie the main character shares how he learned to love. The movie is fun, then gets a bit dark, but stay with it to the end. It has a great message.


When two people fall in love, the recipe for creating a lasting relationship needs to include how each partner views family. Will you see each others family often? Will you live close or far away? Will your family get to vote on how you make decisions or recognize that the two of you make your own decisions?

There are many kinds of families. I grew up in a large close family where it was all for one and one for all. So when my husband and I married they all thought that we would go along with what the family decided. My husband was independent and from a smaller family. He in a very healthy way saw us as making our decisions first and family second. I agreed completely. The execution was not as easy. On our wedding day my father said that the girls in his family “make the decisions”. My husband promptly said,” we are leaving” to show my dad that we were both strong in this relationship and make decisions together. My father didn’t say another word.

You and your spouse ,to be, need to come to an agreement about what you both want for your relationship with family. Talk about how you see yourselves relating with them. Both partners deserve their vote. Compromise is often the best approach since everyone’s needs are different at least a little bit. Speak up now because unhappy family relationships can destroy a marriage. Good luck negotiating.

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