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Kathy D. Infeld Blog

TWO WEDDINGS IN ONE MONTH

I hadn’t been to a wedding in quite awhile. What a wonderful experience. Love, family, closeness, connection, chaos, good times, and good food. So much of everything. It happens because the heavens are opening for an enormous rite of passage-the commitment of two adults for a lifetime.

The first wedding was my son’s wedding and the second my nephew’s. Both are very special men and their wives equally special too. Because my passion is happy and successful marriages, my antenna were attuned to everything that was felt, seen and experienced. I saw that marriage is still alive and well in 2014 when you have a good match with people willing to do the work and tell each other the truth.

Honor, love, be faithful, work out issues, and make a life with each other that has purpose and meaning and make every effort to love each other’s family and friends. Through the years the successful couple can grow and evolve as people. I know this is possible because my husband and I are married forty two years today.

 

“THE HUNDRED–FOOT JOURNEY”

This recently released movie starring Helen Mirren and producers by Steven Spielberg and Oprah Winfrey has stirred my writing of this blog. The very next day after seeing this movie I was scheduled to see members of a multiracial couple. Among the thousands of couples that I have worked with ,I work with many couples who are going to, or have married a partner,from a different back round. I always explain to them that whether they realize it or not, they are choosing to expand their consciousness as a person. When someone isn’t just like us, thinks just like us, behaves just like us, we are called to consider a different perspective, a different point of view. If this marriage or committed relationship is going to flourish, compromise, understanding , valuing and including their partner’s point of view is essential.

This actually is true for all couples. No two families of origin are exactly alike. Each family has its own particular culture. Two blacks, Whites, Asians, East Indians, Muslims, Jews and any other culture all came from a particular family style, wealth, education, interaction, traditions and all else that makes up their family life. Put two people together who didn’t grow up in the same household and there will be different needs and desires. The magic is in the negotiating and working out of the partnership.

My husband and I came from two different cultures and we will be married 42 years the end of this August. I know our marriage was designed so that my husband and I would learn true partnership and thus be able to teach it. My book ,”Creating Love For A Lifetime” is full of these experiences leading to partnership along with the experiences of 27 other couples doing the same thing. I am not saying that it was always easy. Who doesn’t enjoy having things their way? Partnership is sweeter though.

I urge you and your spouse to celebrate your differences, similarities and all that you will teach each other and teach your children.

 

MY FAMILY MADE ME DO IT

When I work with couples of all ages and especially young couples we discuss how they will navigate life as a couple with their families. “ My family does it this way, but my family does it that way”. What will be the way that ‘we”, no longer just an “I”, will do it?

One partner’s family may expect them for Sunday dinner every week. The other partner would rather be with friends or participating in a favorite activity (ie water skiing at the lake). One spouse has trouble saying no thank you to their relatives. The other partner doesn’t. Does the new spouse chose their family first or working out compromises with their spouse first? Does grandma or Uncle Joe get to bug you about wedding plans or baby making? What kind of boundaries will you and your partner define around your relationship so that you will be aligned in your decisions?

I was from a close large family. My parents thought that my new husband and I would just go along with my family ways. Well my husband had already declared independence with his family and wasn’t having another family tell him how it was going to be. From the wedding day we loved both families deeply but we made our own decisions. I recommend that you and your partner discuss a vision for your marriage (money, sex, affection, family, children, religion, division of household jobs, recreation, vacations, career moves etc.) This is your partner and your life together. That is enough to begin with.

Your family can come a loving second. Otherwise one of you can make the excuse, "My family made me do it”.

 
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