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Kathy D. Infeld Blog

Who is there when the holiday crowd is gone?

This is a big season of holidays and there is much to do and much to go to. Whether we are shopping or gathering with others or recognizing the season with friends, family, work associates, schoolmates or with other people we know, who is at home for us? Who still walks daily in our life? When I look around I see so many people doing,doing,doing. I want to see people loving, loving, loving and most of all remembering to cherish their special one.

I grew up in a large family. Any holiday included at least twenty five people at all gatherings. At special events there were sixty five immediate family members in attendance. So this is a lesson I had to learn. During the holiday season I wanted to run from one gathering to another. My husband talks about driving one night through a blizzard to get to my brothers holiday party. He said it was “crazy” to want to do this and yet it was what I had always known.

I know this gathering is fun. My point is that the running can take on a life of it’s own and keep us distant from those who are special to us. Look beside your self and remember to cherish your spouse or special partner who is there for you all year long. Take time to slow down, talk, touch and experience the loving spirit of this holiday time with each other. It will be the best gift you receive and give this season.

Happy Holidays and Happy Year!

 

Don't Give Up

200596_lMy book," Creating Love For A Lifetime" is all about not giving up and working on your marriage. I feel that the whole journey of preparing, writing and now promoting this book has been an ongoing experience in not giving up. This project has tested every part of my endurance in dealing with challenges and joys along the way. It has taught me what not giving up feels like.

The preparation included a thirty eight year marriage in which my husband and I came from very different back rounds but loved each other dearly. With these differences came many opportunities to learn compromise and negotiation. We both never wanted to feel the excruciating pain of divorce. So we worked through all our issues with therapy, workshops and spiritual development. We never gave up, even though some days we felt like it.

The preparation for the book also included twenty seven years as a therapist, eighteen years as a mediator and certification as a coach. Although I had seen clients of all ages, I found that so many couples were losing their relationships because they had no idea of what they needed to do to rebuild and save their marriage. About ten years ago I devoted myself to changing that. I read everything anyone was using effectively with couples, I did training of all kinds, and I took notes on what was working in my therapy with couples and in my own marriage experience.

The writing of this book was a challenge as I had little experience and skill in writing. For a year I got up every morning and wrote about ideas for creating a good marriage that came to me upon awakening. That was a fun part. At the end of the year I had to put it all together with some order and purpose. I wrestled with this task for a long period. Several very nice people helped me along the way.
Publishing this book has included deadlines, much editing, reworking the material and dealing with many different departments, etc. This is my first book and I again had a lot to learn. Some parts went beautifully and other parts took forever to go right. I love my cover and my website and the book now that it is finished. I was never able to get all the typos out of the printing and this was trying since I am a Virgo and into perfection. I have learned acceptance, when I can change things and when I just need to keep moving forward.Sounds like what goes on in a relationship?

The promotion has begun and again has its wins and setbacks. I still am learning that something worthwhile often takes a lot of work. Sometimes I want it just to be easy. Again it is another opportunity to explain to every couple I work with in person or through this book that I know what not giving up looks like. I would never trade this experience and could never replace all the valuable lessons that I have learned. My advice to you is that things worth having most of the time include easy, joyful, hard and impossible in the process. I believe that they are worth it and I say to you again , "Don't give up". Like me you'll be glad you didn't.

 

Sex Must Be A gift from god

I grew up in New England and was taught very traditional views on sexuality. Once I became sexually active, I was clear that sex is a gift from god. Regardless of what I was taught, I thought how could anything that feels so good be wrong? Yet I am not sorry that I took my time choosing the right partner to discover the “joy” with.

This blog is a reminder to take good care of your sexuality with your partner. It is a gift to the relationship. We can be close to friends, relatives and coworkers but we can’t have sex with them. At least not if we are keeping good boundaries. The privilege of the committed relationship is that you get to have sex with your significant other too.

So what does take care of the sexual relationship mean? It means make room for sex on a regular basis regardless of your busy schedules. When you first met you could hardly take your hands off each other. It felt so good to become as one. Then at some point it all can start to feel so familiar. That’s when you need to work on keeping it fresh, new and loving. “Oh all right let’s do it” doesn’t cut it. Sometimes though when the kids are just asleep, “let’s go” is a good idea. I say don’t let time pass you by. Sexuality needs to be nurtured and practiced to stay alive.

Have some fun with each other. Talk about what feels good to each of you. Talk about what you like and what you’ve been wanting to try. Read great books on the subject. Maybe your partner loves sexuality in nature. Try camping as soon as possible. Maybe you both like setting the mood with candles and a bath. If you put interest, and effort and energy into your sex life , it will reward you tenfold. Remember it’s a gift.

 
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