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Kathy D. Infeld Blog

THE FAIRY TALE THAT LASTs-

Imagine that you are Prince William and his long time girlfriend Kate Middleton now engaged to be married .Wow! You’re experiencing all the preparations, speculation and gossip surrounding the nuptials, but what will you need in your daily lives together in the future? Two famous princesses and their husbands who came before them didn’t appear to be very successful in the needs department. Here’s how William and Kate and you can do better.

In any marriage royal or otherwise there are two people who have needs. The need for commitment for a lifetime, the need for communication on all levels in their daily lives, the need to negotiate differences of opinion and preferences, the need to be cherished today and forever, and the need to develop a communion of spirit that expresses the purpose and giving back that develops out of your unique love and relationship. This will include: Who will you be for each other? Will you be friends as well as lovers? Will you cheer each other on when either of you have had a rough day?

Will you encourage each other’s growth or ignore it? Will you remember to touch after the newness is gone? Will you take time to notice what you need or just resent when you finally notice that what you need is missing. Take a few moments to list your needs, share them with your spouse and have them share theirs with you. Maybe you will have to negotiate a few compromises,but this exchange of needs will be invaluable for your relationship.

Whether you are a Prince and soon to be Princess or everyday person, to get what you need in a relationship you have to define it and ask for it. Most of us don’t read minds yet. So I say William and Kate speak up. Let’s this be the fairy tale that lasted. God knows we all need that.

No One Wants To Be Alone

The Pew Research Center announced this week that one in three American children is living with a parent who is divorced, separated or has never been married. What is that communicating to our children? Well at the least it is suggesting a changing picture of what being a family looks like. Remember if that is what you have known, it becomes your “normal”.

I know that one of my children's best friends grew up in a wonderful single parent family because the one parent provided love, structure, rituals and the resources as best they could. In fact my child loved spending time at that loving home. Most of our family friends are still in intact marriages but that is not the norm today. So where is this all headed? The pew Research report just said that 39 percent of Americans say that marriage is becoming obsolete. In 1978 only 28 percent felt marriage was becoming obsolete. The US Census Bureau data in September 2010 reported that marriages have hit an all-time low of 52 percent for adults 18 and older.

This all suggests that there are now many different ways of living together as a family in today’s economy, history of more divorced parents, and changing roles for men and women. But is marriage no longer desired? The Pew study suggests that 67 percent of Americans were upbeat still about the future of marriage and family. About half of all unmarried adults say that they want to get married and among those living together 69 percent want to walk down the aisle. We will have to see how this all shakes out as the variations on living together have their trial. In the meantime what I know for sure is that no one really wants to be alone for long. Love , companionship, shared experiences, sex with a regular safe partner, mutual deep understanding and shared joy are irreplaceable.

So whatever form the nuclear family takes today, certain needs still exist. People living together want commitment, communication on all levels, resolving of differences and perspective, ongoing appreciation , love and lastly building a life together with meaning and satisfaction. If this happens in all these households, maybe the children still will be okay.

After all we don’t want to be alone.

Relationships Are Built One Day At A Time

I woke up with the thought how my relationship and everyone’s married relationship I see in my private practice and private life are built to success or failure one day at a time. It’s like we need to remember to make a daily deposit into our relationship’s savings account to build up to a full relationship or not over time. As a newly married couple there are the experiences together, the growing to be committed to our spouse first and making the healthy separation from our family, the mutual goals and needs discussed and worked out, the expectations we need to adjust, the joyful gifts like new babies and houses to build a life in and on and on. Besides these bookmarks of a relationship there need to be daily deposits into the emotional life of a relationship.

Some examples are “I love you and let me show you, remembering to keep each other informed of how your life apart is, asking for feedback and ideas, touching and making love frequently, connecting as friends as well as lovers, supporting and discussing each other’s dreams. It can be so easy to just be too tired and not bother to connect each day. I say don’t miss one deposit. Each day can add up to so much more together. Last night I came home from a great and rewarding meeting after a full day of work.

My husband and I connected verbally but we had no sitting, touching, just being together before going to sleep. I was exhausted. When I awoke early before he left for the office, I rubbed his back and we connected for the few minutes before he had to dart off to get dressed.

We didn’t miss a day.

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