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HOW TO PUT THE VALENTINE SPARKLE BACK IN YOUR MARRIAGE

valentine-hearts-4 Remember when you were in grade school and Valentine’s day was fast approaching? Maybe you made individual valentines by hand or carefully chose a package at the store that best expressed your sentiments. As you filled them out, you chose which valentine was to go to a each person. One valentine maybe even expressed a crush you had on one of the boys or girls. That feeling was excitement. Would they guess who gave it to them? Would they guess how much you really cared? Did they care back? It was a special day and then life went back to normal.

What I know is that you can create that special feeling with your loved one this Valentine’s Day and every day going forward. The secret is things don’t have to go back to “normal”. You can add sparkle by remembering all the good things in your relationship every day. You can regularly recognize the magnitude of the commitment you have shared through the years, remind yourself and follow through with good communication every day, use persistence to find a way or learn how to work things out when you don’t agree, cherish each other generously on a regular basis and enjoy the communion of spirit that naturally emanates from your nurtured committed partnership.

If this description of a marriage doesn’t feel current or familiar to you , I recommend that you use these Five C’ to put the sparkle back in your marriage starting today. Talk with your partner about the good you have had between you, and all the good you can create through commitment, communication, conflict resolution, cherishing and communion of spirit. These tools will build and renew a sensual, sexy, satisfying , sincere and sparkling marriage. My husband and I use these five C’s all year long and they really work. We’ve worked hard to find them and I am happy to share them with you.

Use the Five C’s and some imagination and make this Valentines day sparkle between you again. I think I’ll begin by making my husband a special handmade Valentine and use sparkles all over it. Who knows what we’ll do next. Let the celebrating begin.

THIS MARRIAGE CAN BE SAVED

I see young couples all the time who think that their relationship is hopeless. What is occuring is that they don’t have the tools to create a happy marriage and they are tempted to give up easily to get out of their pain.

The first tool in their healing is abstaining from the use of all alcohol and drugs for a period of time. A lot of partners numb themselves with these substances and then make really poor choices. Using alcohol and drugs has been around for a long time but many young couples I see today seem to think that daily use doesn’t interfere with their lives.

The problem is that with alcohol, people often will fight more and become disconnected. This issue might have been resolved easily not under the influence of alcohol. Can you remember a time when you both were drinking that you had a fight with your spouse over something insignificant that ended in hurt feelings?

With marijuana the partner is sedated and feels little motivation to resolve conflict. They may feel, ”It doesn’t matter, “So what”, “Whatever” “What’s the use” and ignore important issues . Left unresolved, differences between partners fester, build resentment and cause a divide.

So when they both agree to go substance free the real issues will surface. Maybe one spouse never initiates sex and leaves the other spouse not feeling desirable. This “undesired spouse” is triggered into old feelings of not being treated special and cherished as a child .This ignored partner gets grumpy, sullen or distant and has a “Joint”.

The other partner has resentment that their spouse looks at other women or pornography frequently. In therapy we talk about showing your spouse physical love and pushing through their sexual inhibitions from child hood . This partner asks for understanding, forgiveness and a more positive attitude in return. This partner was self medicating their unhappiness with drugs and alcohol too.

This is just one example of the issues a couple could be having. Without sobriety the likelihood of issues being resolved is slim. No generation except in for Prohibition times hasn’t enjoyed having something to relax and have a good time. This is just a reminder that facing our issues in a marriage takes using all of your senses. No one is wrong here. This is just meant to be a wake up call.

Sticking With The Plan

Many couples that I see in counseling learn a lot about themselves as individuals and as a partner in a relationship. That self knowledge allows them to see more clearly their needs and wounds from the past and to do something about healing and creating their hearts desire in their marriage.

We design a plan together for how they will improve their relationship. Most couples comply with the plan since they asked for one in the first place. Occasionally one partner won’t. They may try the new behaviors for a while and eventually slip back into their old dysfunctional ways. They come back to see me a few years later right back where we started.

The lesson that I try to impart is that spouses will only wait so long for you to be willing to do what works. If your behaviors sabotage your happiness and the happiness of your partner, they may not keep giving you another try. Sticking with the plan for a more functional and happy relationship can include some adjustments that may help you feel more comfortable with the changes. Bottom line though, I recommend that you stick with the plan the first time around.

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