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Kathy D. Infeld Blog

ITS NOT EVEN THANKSGIVING AND I FEEL BEHIND

Do you feel this way? There is something about all the extras to do and choices to be made that can create overwhelm. So what do you think those feelings do to your relationship skills? Do you show your beloved enough attention and affection and do they show it to you? Are you short with other loved ones and friends? (Maybe they are on that long list too).

Stop! Take a deep breath. Remember what is important in life. Love, relationship, and caring. The other stuff is less important. Make an efficient list. After all, the perfect present is not as important as giving and receiving love.

I would like to hear what you have done to make this a loving holiday season

A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY ADD/ADHD PARTNER

I’ve included a great article about the qualities of an ADD/ADHD partner, but I also want to comment on how to get along with them as your spouse.

First of all they are usually a lot of fun. They love activity and are always moving from one thought or activity to another. So in dating you think ,”I like this”.

After the wedding children and other responsibilities come along. This is where the frustration can begin.(getting them to slow down long enough to have a problem solving conversation to handle life’s challenges and duties together.) They generally are great providers. So they think ,”What is the problem? I make enough to pay for it.” You handle it. I’m busy. Ask for what you need til' you get it.

Cherishing comes with fabulous presents but you can be left hoping for a more frequent, ”I love you’s” instead.” Make that clear to them and a gentle reminder is in order. Don’t forget to say your” I love you’s) too.

What are we together?”, you say to yourself. I say talking , getting them to look into your eyes when you talk, turn off all electronics at night, touch them as you want to be touched (they are very physical and this helps them to connect), let them know what you need back. Most importantly have a plan for quiet time for ten minutes each day to connect with each other.

Understanding their makeup and explaining to them how you function is primary. And finally choose to cherish each other as you are with all its pluses as well as challenges. Life will never be dull!

WE MADE IT!

There is not much that I enjoy as much as when a couple comes to me troubled and afraid of failing in their marriage, and we put it back together better than new. Here is one of those stories.

Phil and laura had ignored their marriage as they raised their five and two year olds. Sex was still good but became just another thing checked off the list. One day another adult flirted with Phil and he remembered what he was missing. Unfortunately he responded with a lot of interest and his marriage was put at risk. Laura had opportunities too. She was a very attractive cougar.

I have to tell you all spouses find out that their partner are cheating on their cell phone. Texts , emails or calls. You name it. The truth always gets out. Also partners always tell me that they can feel that something isn’t right. So of course Laura found out and told Phil that she was considering a fling too. What a mess and we had two “babies” at risk.

They came into my office not sure if anything could help. One by one they shared their back rounds: parenting, relationships, discipline, achievements in childhood, attention, wishes hopes and dreams and all else. As a therapist I was looking for patterns from the past that each spouse is unconsciously playing out in their marriage. Then I point this out to them so that they can choose whether to keep doing what isn’t working. Becoming conscious is the first step in changing a dysfunctional unsatisfying relationship.

Phil’s mom never had much time for him, and Laura’s dad traveled in his work and was seldom involved in her life. Neither of these adults had seen how to have a successful marriage but they wanted to learn. That was key. When couples commit to get through the learning and healing (remember the affair) ,except for abuse or an addiction not in recovery, almost anything can be healed. You just don’t get to keep doing what didn’t work.

Laura and Phil made it. It took many months because things had gotten so wrong. They didn’t mind. It was an investment in their future and happiness as a couple and as a family. This couple counselor was happy too.

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