Kathy D. Infeld Blog

Follow Me On . . .

Main Menu

Tips & Extras

Events & Engagements

No current events.

Kathy D. Infeld Blog

PEOPLE WANT THEIR MARRIAGES TO WORK

What I know for sure is that most people want their marriages to work. I have many clients in my office, but I had three new couples start this week. They did great. Each partner is growing, learning more about themselves, their spouse, what works and doesn’t work for a good relationship. The fact that they would even see me as their couples therapist implied that they were willing, willing to do the work to make their relationships what they had always wanted it to be, or something more that they hadn’t even known was possible.

Creating true intimacy emotionally and physically began with establishing trust in their relationship. This was built through sharing what they felt inside, what they each needed and wanted, and sharing what hadn’t worked for them up until now.

You as well, as they, can renew your commitment to do all that you can to make yours a great relationship. Communicate what is in your heart, mind, and soul. Speak and listen well. Keep each other updated on your daily life, wishes and dreams. Give up judgment and find commonalities to negotiate your differences. Cherish each other daily and get to bask in the communion of spirit in this relationship that you have nourished and caused to blossom.

I know that people want their marriages to work. I work and see this every day. Most of the time they just don’t know how. Read, go to counseling, go to workshops and do whatever you can to learn how to make your marriage the best that it can be. Don’t give up. You can do it.

WHY I DO WHAT I DO

Last night I cried tears of joy with a client I had worked with through her long search for the perfect mate. As she and I agreed, there is no such thing but something very close. She felt so moved that she had finally gotten her wounds from the past out of the way so that she could find and receive this kind of love.

She knew that she wanted more than her family said was possible. Yet she had dated so many partners who were unable to give love or were failing at being responsible in life. She felt like she had dated them all by the time that she came to me for counseling. We took the focus off the guys and had her look at what was stopping her inside. She had not received a lot of love in her family and that is what she kept attracting to her since this was familiar. She needed to open up, recognize this and then we could do start some healing . Her dating continued to be with imperfect matches but she was getting closer. Finally she has found the man of her dreams. They still work on the little stuff (the infrequent irritable reply etc.) that happens in day to day life. They don’t let that little stuff pile up under the rug though. One of them says that they are sorry. She now feels self confident that they can work at it being so good. I feel a wedding in the future, but they are taking their time to make sure that it is right.

We all grow up having many experiences that are good for us and some that have hurt us. Maybe we had a jealous older sister, or a nasty kid in the neighborhood or maybe a stepdad or step mom who really didn’t nurture us. Maybe your family taught you that you can’t have your dreams come true. Maybe you had good years at school and yet an infrequent trauma. Life holds it all.

Well then we start dating and maybe limit our prospects. “Well I couldn’t have that.” “Would they love me if they knew everything about me?” Yes they can. No one is perfect. We are all a work in progress throughout a lifetime. What is important is that we are willing to grow.

Rumi, a 13th Century Poet wrote: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it”

I work with people who have not married yet and I work with people who are already married. If you can find all the barriers (ie.fear, limitation,anger, self doubt, etc.) and work on healing them, you can find that great prospect of a mate or make your marriage what you always hoped that it could be. It is so clear to me and I hope it is becoming more clear to you. I’ll write again soon.

HEALING IT FORWARD

A committed relationship is one of the very best places within which to heal. You get to know each other closely and hopefully learn to accept each others strengths and weaknesses. As you grow, your partner can be there to support and cheer you on, and you can cheer them on too. That’s how it works when it goes well.

Well often it goes like this instead, "I didn’t know that you do that!”, “Why do you have to feel that way?”, “I never saw or heard that before we got married.” We all have many positive qualities. The person who most often is self critical of you is you. As your fears and shortcomings start to show themselves, your partner may vote on their effectiveness too. Most of our less than ideal habits and self sabotage have been learned in our growing up years. They may have been attitudes taught by family members, school officials, neighborhood children, religious groups, sport teams etc. Where ever you learned any self deprecating, self sabotaging, or destructive habits, it is time to heal those habits forward.

Maybe those who taught you to act that way did the best they knew how, or maybe they didn’t. Get in touch with your anger and release in a healthy way. (There is much literature on this subject. Email me if you need some good resources.) Then further heal by forgiving yourself and your perpetrators. Share this healing process with your spouse. People may hide these challenges for fear that their partner will reject them or be ashamed. In fact the healing and revealing can make you even closer. This is some of the important work of partnership. If you don’t heal these wounds, you may continue to teach your children and then their children the same negative patterns.

As you and your spouse heal your past, you can ”Heal it forward”. Your children and your children’s children won’t have to be damaged by self deprecating, self sabotaging, or negative ways of looking at life that you have now released from your past . This legacy of “Healing it forward” can effect generations of your family to come. What a legacy.

More Articles...

<< Start < Prev 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 Next > End >>

Page 17 of 32