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Kathy D. Infeld Blog

I HEAR YOU

Have you ever noticed that there is a small voice inside you? Sometimes it is called intuition, a feeling, or a knowing. This voice whatever you call it is very wise. It may say, ”Are you sure that you want to do that?”, “This is good for you”, “It feels like I have known this person before”, and much, much more. If you and I listen, that small voice often can be a great help through life rather than figuring it all out our selves.

I try to listen, but I often think that I already know what to do. Then sometimes as hard as I try to hear, I don’t. After all these years I am listening more. My way hasn’t always worked out. Like the time I heard that little voice say,” take the slower and less expert slope down this last ski run”, and I didn’t. Well you guessed it. I was taken down the mountain on a red-cross sled after I lost my edge on the ice.

I am not always falling on a mountain if I don’t listen, but listening seems like a good idea. When I talk with single people they tell me.”I knew I should never have dated them”, or “I knew they were the one from the first date”. That is that little voice again. Married people give me examples like, “When I asked myself if I should bring it up now, that voice said no later, or yes now”. Sometimes they even tell me that they knew that their marriage shouldn’t have happened on the day that they married. Listen today and recognize if you are hearing those quiet messages. They may be very important. Then note whether you heed its recommendation or not. Lastly evaluate whether you should. I think that I know what that answer will be. Write and tell me your results. I’d love to know.

WHEN WE FEEL THE WORST, THE BEST IS YET TO COME

Recently I had a virus and had a hard time shaking it. Just when I thought it was gone, it came back stronger. I know from experience that this is often when the turning point back to health will happen. I needed to not only take care of myself, but to look at how I had gotten sick in the first place.

Relationships can be that way too. Just when you feel that you won’t get through an issue, a breakthrough is often just ahead. Don’t despair. I remember years ago when we would argue, we both would feel like giving up. We didn’t. The next day we would grow to a new point and see how to resolve our differences.

We needed to learn to look at ourselves first. Are we being defensive? Did we project our bad mood all over our spouse? Did we feel hurt by our partner’s actions and need to share this with them? Were we being insensitive? If you ask yourself these questions, you will figure out the answer. Long ago it used to take me until after I had had a good night’s sleep to see what both of us had done (particularly me) and what was involved. Today I see the issue in just a little while. It took work and self-knowledge and honesty for my husband and I to get there faster. So be patient with your selves.

No two people are exactly alike. You are going to have differences. None of us starts out wanting to argue and hurt our partner. We can get all caught up in blame, judgment, defensiveness or whatever when we disagree. Step back and look at yourself first. Then have an honest and kind talk with your spouse. This takes self discipline, a deep breath rather than react, and a commitment to do all that you need to do to make your relationship better. You can do this and you will be glad you did. I know that we are.

YOU ARE ENOUGH TODAY

I woke up this morning giving myself a break. I seem to always feel that I have something that I should be learning. I decided today that I have learned enough. That doesn’t mean that I won’t keep learning again today, but that I could feel good about what I have done up until now. It’s a nice feeling. This is my message to you.

Whatever you do for a career, with your family and friends, in your community or in the world, you are enough today. There will be lots more to learn as long as you are willing, but just get that you have worked hard with your spouse to create a good marriage. There are lots more things to learn, but just for a moment take in all that you have tried. Pat yourself on the back.

You may be saying where did all this come from? Well I was thinking about some new ideas I had just read that once again greatly inform my work with couples . I was thinking, ”Does this learning ever end?” The answer is “no” when we are willing to grow. Mind you, I have been studying this work for decades and have seen thousands of couples in my office. I thought by now, that it would be enough. Well it is enough to be very helpful. Yet the next new learning brings with it an awakening of even new ideas. No, it never ends.

So just for a moment or two, get that you have done enough in your marriage, with your children, friends, family, career, community. Take it in. Then learn some more today. That moment of remembering that you are enough will renew you.

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