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Kathy D. Infeld Blog

RESEARCH, PLAN, PERFORMANCE

These are the path to good presentation. I was thinking that they also are the path to good relationship . Research would include looking at what you need in a satisfying relationship. What are your core needs when you are looking for a partner/mate?  I talk with twenty some things and I talk with single people of all ages.  All could  benefit from getting really clear about what they require in a committed relationship. Without that compass, people find themselves wandering through relationships, seldom satisfied with what they experience, and not knowing why. Having a clear understanding of who you are, what you need, and what you are willing to give, helps you size up if this is a match that has any possibility? Single people everywhere tell me that they are not interested in wasting a lot of time with the wrong partner. The work of the search for your beloved starts here.
Planning would include a vision of what you want for your life. Not the make of a car, but maybe whether you would live in a city where you need a car or not. New York City is not a town to find a parking space but you can’t get anywhere in Los Angeles without one. Living near family may or may not be a priority.  Living near the ocean or maybe in the desert could be essential. Many good choices and they need to be made together. Over the years I have seen remarkable compromises and then not so much. Having a vision of what you want to create with a committed partner helps enormously with the result. There are always the compromises that are needed.  Giving in to just keep the peace usually ends up with someone unhappy. Take the time to negotiate and work it out.
Performance-what can I say? Living a life together consciously making  choices rather than backing into them can be liberating. You actually can get what you need; Love, sex as you both like. incomes you expected, friends, family, children or not, companionship , support where it counts ,fun, playfulness and you name it. Of course life is going to throw in a curve ball occasionally, but as a team with a united and satisfying union you most likely will be able to handle it together. This is all a lovely picture that I am painting. Believe me that I am realistic that there will be surprises. Sometimes we just don’t know everything that we feel inside. Or maybe one or both of you left out a fact about you or your family that might be challenging because you so wanted the relationship to continue. Usually all this can be worked out. If not, run to a good couples counselor. We are all human and the best research, planning and performance sometimes needs a lsome help .
Much luck-Kathy

 

I’M SORRY

No matter how long we live, we are going to make mistakes. We may misperceive situations, be tired and cranky, become fearful, or lose our “Cool”. Saying, ”I’m sorry”, can feel like an enormous task at the time. Recognizing that we were wrong, made a mistake, or were unkind can sometimes be the hardest thing to do in our committed relationship. No one knows us better or can trigger us more than our intimate partner.

I find that I make mistakes less often now, but I still do. How about you and your spouse? Are you able to say that “You are sorry?” ,or does it take days to realize what you have done? I am an experiential teacher ,so of course I am writing this because I have just been human once again. So there is no judgment in this blog. Just encouragement to get up, learn and try your best again.

Most of all I want to express that when I recently was being human and needed to say those three little words, ”I am sorry”, it took my breath away. Those three little words immediately took away all the angst, separate feelings, and pain. Love flowed again. I know that we all may never get to be perfect in this lifetime, but we can be willing to grow and learn to say those magic words.

 

THE ICING ON THE CAKE

When my husband and I married almost forty years ago I thought that you marry to have someone to love, someone to love you and to enjoy life with. Little did I know that the greatest gift of a committed relationship is that both people in the relationship get to grow and heal their issues as an individual by working them through with their partner.

For example you might feel taken advantage of by people. In the marriage or committed relationship, if you are willing to listen, your partner might point out that you don’t allow them or others to give back, or maybe that you have rules about the only way that you will receive and you don’t let others know what those rules are. (ie. they have to read your mind.)

Another example is one partner is not assertive and marries a strong personality who can drown out their voice. For the marriage to work and for this partner to grow, they will have to learn to assert themselves more than they might have if they hadn’t married this kind of partner.

One last example might be that one or both of you never felt special in your family. As you have worked through your differences as a couple, the closeness that you build leads to feelings of so much cherishing, love, trust ,and touch . You finally would arrive where you always wanted to be-number one.

Having a good time together is terrific ,but learning to love and like yourself as well as your partner is ”The icing on the cake”. I invite you to make your relationship all that it can be. Read books, do workshops, see a counselor or religious advisor or whatever you find leads you to this end. I wish for you to have ”A Love For A Lifetime.”

 
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