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Kathy D. Infeld Blog


A few months ago another expert in my field stated that he didn’t believe that couples got much value out of practicing talking and listening to each other in a therapist’s office. I disagree. Many times i have wonderful couples come to me in crisis because no one is listening to each other. Discussions go south and their life together becomes emotional chaos.

Actually learning to just listen, feed back what you’ve heard and gain understanding of each others point of view can solve a myriad of problems. I had a great couple the other day who had a wonderful sense of humor together but had been reduced to arguing about absolutely everything. They never settled their different points of view because no one was listening to each other. We practiced listening and speaking in a direct manner, and they left happy. It was an easy fix.

So whenever you and your beloved start to unravel your relationship by not settling issues, take a look at whether you are speaking and listening to each other with love, kindness and clarity. I know that this works.



When I was four, I had an accident because I was in a hurry. Ever since, I have been learning what rushing ahead gets me and learning what not being sure gets me. Lately I have been working with lots of clients learning the same lesson. They are so eager to be in love, get a divorce and try something new. There is no problem if that is the right decision for them but we all do have a process for being sure.

Are you compatible? Do they honor your needs? Do you honor their needs? Can you compromise? Can you talk and resolve differences? All of this is on top of “do you have a great time together and love being together?”

Then after that, there are the surprises. Only time and being together can reveal who you both are in many different kinds of situations. How do you both treat children, animals, relatives ,staff and coworkers, etc? Does your sex drive decrease over time? Are you both good with money? Is religion an issue? Do you have each others back?

For me, taking action is not a problem. Wanting to slow down and take the time to make a certain decision is. I love every thing fast. Well I told you where that got me when I was four, My advice to you is to slow down and do the work to be sure. We don’t want you hurting yourself now, do we?



When did you first learn about sex? From friends, family, class, the internet? Were you sitting around whispering about it, sharing magazines and websites, or you had that rare parent who did comfortable explain the joy of sex.

When did you first feel sexuality awaken inside you?

What did this mean? True love with someone else or simply love with your self and your body?

Our sexuality is a lifetime journey. We discover the hormone rush, our body (masturbation), the mating game, and the transformations of what sex can be for us through the decades of our life.

The girlfriends or boyfriends, the dating hook ups, the committed relationships, the not so hot taken for granted relationships, the ever evolving sexual committed partners , and the celibate (often not by choice). The renewal, the reinvigoration with books, classes and hormones, new partners, affairs (don’t recommend them because they can destroy all involved), the divorces, moving on to other partners, the successful long term marriages, and the less frequent uninterrupted single lives.

So how can we take good care of our sexuality? By first not ignoring it. I get partners in my office who haven’t had sex for years. Even the partners who only have sex maybe once a month are not taking care of their sexual lives. Sex requires feeling our bodies and it’s needs, having good hygiene and medical care for our sustained health, taking measures to remain attractive throughout life, exercise and a commitment to being a sexual being.

Sex is good for your health, stress levels, feeling close and cared about, good exercise, relaxing, connects you with your humanness as well as your soul. Many experts stress that a successful sexual life with your partner is not so much about technique but about really knowing and caring about each other. When you care about each other, you naturally want to discover what each other likes and mutually enjoys in your sexual life together. If you get stuck along the way don’t hesitate to consult with a sex expert or informed couples therapist.

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