As kids we had experiences where we felt wanted and included. Then we had those times when we weren’t . We ended up feeling jealous of those who were chosen. The point of this talk with you is that often we didn’t understand the situation. Maybe that kid had just been in trouble with his teacher and wanted to take his upset out on someone else. Maybe the coach was getting pressure to choose someone else. Maybe your Mom was too busy for you but really had her own worries that she was consumed with. You didn’t know what was the real situation.

The key is to realize that we saw an interaction in a certain light and that perception can be changed. Maybe you were jealous of your older sibling because they had so much more freedom. What you didn’t recognize was that they had so much more responsibility having to watch over you as well. As adults we get to take a second look.

When we grow up these same familiar mis-perceptions can happen in intimate relationships. Someone may think that their partner is doing it to them- doesn’t contribute as much to the relationship, Ignoring them, not touching them enough, talking to everyone else, only paying attention to the children, just cares about the money, doesn’t give them what they need . The road to giving up these mis-perceptions in relationships as an adult begins with looking at all sides of a situation and talking about what really is taking place.

These mis-perceptions are often the cause of divorce. A person once came to see me and they were on their 3rd marriage. They were beginning to see the pattern after they have ruined their previous committed relationships. There was regret, wounded children, financial loss, and pain. Don’t wait until your marriage is ruined by these mis-perceptions. Look at your past, work with a good therapist, and get to have your first marriage work.