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union-blogSometimes I work with clients who for many reasons have not learned to enjoy their sexuality. They are in a marriage and their partner feels alone even if this partner is having sexual relations with them. The spouse will tell me that their spouse will go through the motions, but that they feel nothing. Wonderful sex brings a feeling of union and no other relationship can express closeness in this same way. If the partner doesn’t connect to them but merely goes through the physical motions, that experience of union can’t be felt.

So what to do, I say ask them, how was sex talked about when they grew up? Did their parents appear physically affectionate around them? Were bad things said about sex in a marriage. Was either parent positive about sex in a marriage? Each partner needs to explore how they came to feel about their sexual expression. Then I recommend each partner keep what was good and work to shift the rest.

Also I talk to men and women who were taught restrictive boundaries about sexual expression. “Don’t be vulnerable”, “Don’t let go”, “Sex is bad, dirty and wrong”.. The sexual revolution moved our society’s acceptance and embracing of sexuality to a much more open and positive place. But each individual has to do their own work on enjoying and opening up to the vulnerability of sexuality in a marriage.

Ask your partner to be emotionally present with you during your sex, tell them about the warmth and connection that it gives you, give that warmth and connection right back, tune into your partner and be patient as they press themselves to express their sexuality more freely. I recommend that you don’t take no for an answer and close up to having a good sexual expression in your marriage. Get professional help if the relationship isn’t improving. There is always a solution. Then enjoy that beautiful, fun and delightful union that you have created.