Last night I cried tears of joy with a client I had worked with through her long search for the perfect mate. As she and I agreed, there is no such thing but something very close. She felt so moved that she had finally gotten her wounds from the past out of the way so that she could find and receive this kind of love.
She knew that she wanted more than her family said was possible. Yet she had dated so many partners who were unable to give love or were failing at being responsible in life. She felt like she had dated them all by the time that she came to me for counseling. We took the focus off the guys and had her look at what was stopping her inside. She had not received a lot of love in her family and that is what she kept attracting to her since this was familiar. She needed to open up, recognize this and then we could do start some healing . Her dating continued to be with imperfect matches but she was getting closer. Finally she has found the man of her dreams. They still work on the little stuff (the infrequent irritable reply etc.) that happens in day to day life. They don’t let that little stuff pile up under the rug though. One of them says that they are sorry. She now feels self confident that they can work at it being so good. I feel a wedding in the future, but they are taking their time to make sure that it is right.
We all grow up having many experiences that are good for us and some that have hurt us. Maybe we had a jealous older sister, or a nasty kid in the neighborhood or maybe a stepdad or step mom who really didn’t nurture us. Maybe your family taught you that you can’t have your dreams come true. Maybe you had good years at school and yet an infrequent trauma. Life holds it all.
Well then we start dating and maybe limit our prospects. “Well I couldn’t have that.” “Would they love me if they knew everything about me?” Yes they can. No one is perfect. We are all a work in progress throughout a lifetime. What is important is that we are willing to grow.
Rumi, a 13th Century Poet wrote: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it”
I work with people who have not married yet and I work with people who are already married. If you can find all the barriers (ie.fear, limitation,anger, self doubt, etc.) and work on healing them, you can find that great prospect of a mate or make your marriage what you always hoped that it could be. It is so clear to me and I hope it is becoming more clear to you. I’ll write again soon.
WHY I DO WHAT I DO